Conversational anxiety

This text was written in May 2021. I had a basic level of Portuguese, but understanding speech was still a big challenge for me. We were living in a small town and most days we would meet the same people in the street. This helped us to form relationships. But as the text explains, it also added to the anxiety.

Leaving the house makes me anxious.

Almost every time I go outside I see someone; in the square, or by the greengrocers, or sitting at the lone table on the pavement by the café. And if I see someone it’s most likely someone I’ve seen before. And if it’s someone who I’ve seen before then we’ll exchange greetings appropriate to the time of day. I can prepare for this; there’s a pattern.

Sometimes the moment closes there, with a nod and a smile (visible despite our face masks); both parties can move on. Other times the moment extends. My interlocutor says something else, perhaps a comment on the day, the sky, the narky dog, a common formula. I’m listening for a word I recognise. I’m watching to see if their gestures reveal more information. I hunch slightly and tilt my head towards them. Are they pointing at something? Have they asked a question?

Decision time. It’s always easier to go along with it, whatever it is that’s being said. Keep nodding and wait for a moment of clarity. Or for the speaker to conclude.

But what if they repeat the sequence of sounds? And this time pause for longer? Are they asking a question? Is it a question that I can answer with another nod?

I find it difficult to deploy the phrase Desculpe, não compreendo (‘I’m sorry, I don’t understand’). I delay. And when I finally state it boldly - I don't understand - it pushes us apart. The exchange that we’ve just had will wither. The shared moment, face to face, watching each other’s expressions, this is transformed, retrospectively, into a divided moment. After stating Não compreendo my interlocutor will look at me anew. Sometimes they will try again, more slowly, or with shorter sentences, giving me time to decode, encouraging me. Often they keeping going, layering on more things that I don’t follow.

It makes me anxious. When communication is tenuous, relationships are fragile.

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